Double 0 Clavin
by Ali B 123
Summary: One shot mash up of Cheers and James Bond.


It was a rainy night in Boston. Cold and rainy. This kept the visitors to the pub, Cheers, down to a bare minimum. Diane was waiting tables. Cliff and Norm were in their respective posts with Paul at their side. Coach was in the basement, attending to supplies. Sam was wiping glasses with a cloth. He paused long enough to take a sip of coffee. He looked up. In walks James Bond.

At least he looked like James Bond. He removed his black trench coat to reveal a tuxedo, a bit overdressed for Cheers. He approached Diane, who showed him to a table.

James Bond, said Al, sitting at the edge of the bar. And the whole bar started to hum a theme song in unison.

The new arrival glared at Al in a threatening way.

That s not the theme to James Bond, said Sam, somewhat irritated at the new rival in his territory. That s the theme to Mission Impossible.

What can I get you? asked Diane.

A diet coke.

A diet coke?

Yes, I am on duty, you might say. And I don t want anything stronger. Besides, I am simply waiting for an associate. We re having dinner upstairs.

Lillith Sternin suddenly appeared out of nowhere. She was in her usual black suit, hair pulled tightly back in a bun.

James, I see you re finally here.

James? Diane quipped. Then you really are James Bond?

Yes, James. James Bond at your service. James kissed her hand gently. If I can ever do anything for you, just let me know. He turned to Lillith, Moneypenny, shall we? and he motioned for restaurant stairs.

Do you believe that? asked Sam. They really believe he is James Bond. He looked over to Norm and Cliff. Norm was wearing a Richard Nixon mask and Cliff was donning a bunny rabbit mask, covering his eyes, with the bunny nose, whiskers and, of course, the ears.

And what are you two up to? asked Sam. I must be dreaming.

It s just a regular night at Cheers, said Frasier.

You were supposed to be Kissinger, mumbled Norm, under the mask.

They were out of Kissingers. Besides lagomorphs are highly intelligent animals.

They eat their excrement, said Frasier. I wouldn t call that intelligent. Has anyone seen Lillith?

She s with James Bond, answered Al, a little too loudly, as if to tell the whole bar.

Don t be absurd, man. Has the whole place gone mad?

More business for you, said Paul.

Coach came up from the basement. Sam, you ve got to order more pretzels. We re getting low. As he walked by Al put out his leg and Coach tripped over it. He did a flip in the air and came up with his hands extended in a karate move. Al sprung to his feet picked up a chair and broke it over Coach s head.

Norm and Cliff looked at each other. Looks like he s got it covered.

Soon Coach and Al were in a full fight, seeming to bring in all the elements of hand to hand combat.

Sam, do something about it! cried Diane.

Coach jumped up on top of the bar and flung himself onto the back of Al, attempting a choke hold. Al ran around the bar and flung himself and Coach into the piano. Coach fell to the ground.  
Al pulled out a gun and aimed it at Coach.

So it s finally over Dimitri, said Coach calmly. Is this how it ends?

Just then a shot rang out.

Coach! cried Diane.

Al turned to look at Diane, then fell to the ground in a pool of blood.

Cliff put a pen in his pocket.

Nice shot, said both took off their masks.

Mr. Bond and Lillith came down the stairs. He stood over Al, So you finally got him. He turned to Norm and Cliff. They were wearing the masks again. Why did you wait so long?

We had to be certain it was him.

Mr. Bond went to the door, retrieved his raincoat and left.

I know. This is Gary, Sam smiled and put his leg up on the bar, taking another sip of coffee. I am not falling for it this time.

You re right, Sam, said Coach. He motioned to Cliff and Norm. Why don t you make yourselves useful and take this man down into the basement. You can check on the supplies.

Norm and Cliff picked up the body of Al and took his down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs was a loose brick. Norm pressed on it and wall moved revealing a room full of blinking lights and people rushing around in lab coats.

They carried the body into the room and the door quickly shut. Gary will have to come up with a good spoof next week to keep this going, said Cliff.

Norm took off his jacket, which was heavily padded. Coach walked in and looked at the body.

M, said Norm. You must reprimand James. We re were about to make a breakthrough and now he s gone and spoiled it.

Coach put his arms around the two men s shoulders, don t worry, boys. He s the one they re following. No one would ever suspect that you two are MI6. Now, let s go to the submarine. 


End file.
